hesitation

i feel there's a hint of hesitation when i decided to go to sman78. i feel like i'm not going to leave smak4 behind. all my old friends and some new friends i met during SOP's briefing.. i feel like i'm coming back. maybe it's just an illusion i created myself. i don't know. people said it's my decision to choose between sman78 or smak4. well i should be happy for having options, but it feels weird. sometimes, i want people not to care about me by asking things which sometimes embarrassed me, but at some points, i also want them to care for me. i want them to care for me, the way i want it to be. sounds selfish, yeah i know. i want to cry-out-loud for having so much problems in my life. i feel the wheel of life doesn't move. i've been in the bottom position for a long time. :""((

i really wish that when i say "i'm okay", i want someone to look me in the eyes and say "i know you're not" and when i told them what my problems are, i just want them to accept me for who i truly am :'""""(((